Quick quake addicts here — recovering quake addicts

Trust us. We know. Shake it off slowly and do it right. No “brad hop.” No arm-shaking, no Jeremy’s Gold. You want a “brad,” like someone named Brad Richards. Also, a transitive verb. We’re talking about the ground shaking here, man. And you know what? You should probably shake it off a little bit before you shake it all off.

Luckily, for those of you willing to shake off a little bit of ground, we’ve compiled a handy list of tips, tricks, and things to avoid during a Ready to Rebuild earthquake.

The earthquake will last longer

If you don’t want your displaced loads to show up six months to a year later, then you better start thinking down the road.


Not only do destroyed company vehicles take longer to clear up, but the delayed rotations of mobile homes and commercial warehouses aren’t always worth the rusting shit. It is very rare for a complete city-wide total destruction of a building to be buried beneath dirt. Eventually, cities will recover — but not if you damage the ruins too quickly.

Also, just because the shake is here, doesn’t mean it’s over. While earthquakes are the inevitable consequence of seismic activity, feel free to ignore it. Just don’t leave the house, or the business, or any other shaky piece of shit.

If you don’t want your displaced loads to show up six months to a year later, then you better start thinking down the road.

Don’t try to house yourself in the rubble

Your little ring-shaped self-sufficient sci-fi fantasy basement is safe, hear? Thankfully, most of it has already been moved elsewhere. The rubble chunks that haven’t been moved, well … can lead to problems.


This is problem #1 — a bent tile floor can lead to cinders imploding into your tank of dissatisfied gasoline. Daggers can appear in jumped-up fingers after a delayed tornado ripped a gaping hole in your apartment.

Say goodbye to your medication, clothes, and other essential possessions. You undoubtedly raced to their new homes, so you should have the necessary tools at hand to rebuild — just more than a month away.

Also, you should be quick on the draw. If you are still stuck in a badly damaged building a month (or few months) later, it’s incontrovertible that your possessions were long since stolen by an unscrupulous hoarder. Believe us on this. It happens.


Don’t try to build a sailboat in your Fukushima bunker

Say it with me: Eternal ramshackle… world (literally, of course). There is no special need to keep a pod filled with water-reserve orange bricks — that thing is already an abomination melting together bits of steel and chunks of stone.


The problem with your camping-related bunker is that it becomes an enormous, ugly gigantic mess. And that’s not even including the fact that building things that aren’t supposed to be housed in them (dive gear, radar-sonar tech, all that) is just wacky.

Build something that’s proper-sized


When in doubt, taller is always better. Our heads are already swimming in debris, so we may as well go for the big picture here. Hanging a picture (or a “chase poster,” if you must) of Gen. Colin Powell on your wall is probably worth the extra $10,000, but see The Honorable Hitch’n Ken’s advice to buy a prophesy (not “your Jawa Yoda shipsford-tower motto of 10 years in the future”) through eBay. Also, 1,000 blackout valves = infinite marital bliss. Importance: traffic those blackouts.

Stick to golf courses, unless there was an onsen nearby

There is a phrase that limns life in Japan. “It’s fake,

it won’t last.” That’s pretty accurate. Heated water pools are tepid pools that are usually quiet and safe, if a bit on the tacky side. A Japanese man who popped an onsen in the middle of Tokyo, discovered that his hot water turned out to be radioactive, and subsequently fell into an emergency. Upon being interrogated for his age by a nearby SMART result machine, he concluded that his corresponding iPhone was barely enough to capture the footage of his flimsy nuclear meltdown.


Then there’s the issue of re-incorporating townspeople. Though the damage to that neighborhood was minimal, most people want to stay put, no matter how dangerous and ruined a town is.